Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

To overcome their differences, Batman and Superman team up in an effort to both defeat a rampant terror loose in the city, and to confuse the audience about the title of the film. Also Wonder Woman is there. Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice -Starring Ben Batfleck and his butler, old Robert Downey Jr.

There are four major issues with this film. The first of which, and possibly the most dissuading, is that the film title is misleading. While it may sell tickets, ‘Batman Vs Superman’ is a title that will leave you feeling robbed. There is a brief scuffle halfway through the film and shockingly it doesn’t end in one of them dying. In fact after this “fight” they become best buds and spend a few minutes discussing their awfully (or should i say orphanly) similar back stories. So in this battle royale, this fight to the death, this mano e mano, the true winner is friendship and the real loser is the audience who have to endure the remaining hour.

Alien jet fuel can't melt steel beams.

 Problem 2: The basics of story telling. Should you ever write something, you want to start strong and end strong. Starting with a solid introduction will intrigue an audience and keep them engaged. A 5 minute montage of origin story that the audience already knows with opening credits playing over the top is not a good start. It distracts the audience. It leads their minds to wander. How much did I just spend on overpriced candy? Will the cinema find the 4 bags of Maltesers I packed down my trousers and kick me out? What is the run time of this film anyway? Will 4 bags even be enough to eat? Ending strong is perhaps even more important. The first thing an audience will do when they finish a film is stretch, turn to each other and ask that age old question ‘What did you think of it?’. Given that they just watched the most generic Hollywood ending complete with opening for sequels and a plot (i hesitate to use the word) twist, they will most likely answer with ‘it was alright’. Never mind the well choreographed fight scenes, the decent casting and the well placed cuts between story lines, what you were just delivered was a shit sandwich. Brown on all sides, and crunchy in the middle. Kind of like those Maltesers Speaking of which, I probably could manage another packet... And so the audience leaves with no lasting impressions, which is great for next year when the inevitable Wonder Woman film gets released and the entire plot is recycled and no one can tell the difference. The circle of life.

New Avengers film: confirmed.

The third major issue is the plot. Apart from the slow beginning and mind-numbingly dull ending, the movie isn’t terrible. You get to experience pretty solid character arcs (except in the case of Wonder Woman) and to their credit the actors all do a good job. The issue is that the first third of the film is setting up this hatred between Batman and Superman; both feel justified in the way they feel against each other and then it completely back flips on itself at the mention of a single name. There they are, effectively two Gods among men with a burning desire to end each others life, and then one of them name drops mum and the climax goes out the window. The film almost goes so far as to show the two superheroes bro-hugging and sobbing gently in each others arms. You can actually see the point where the writers gave up and thought ‘Uh we don’t have a climax anymore so probably just add like a Lord of the rings Orc-monster and a bunch of explosions.’

Issue 4 is character choice. Wonder Woman has no place in this film. Edit out any scene with her in it and the film will, if anything, make more sense. Instead we are brought this strong female character in, that has no place in the film, just because otherwise we only have Louis Lane who spends every single day getting into mortal peril. The girl couldn’t have breakfast without somehow ending up with a gun to her head. She is held hostage by terrorists, drowns and is pushed off a building. We get it, she is the damsel in distress. That is her one defining feature. Don’t try cover it up by throwing in Mexican-Angelina Jolie-Wonder Woman.

So now the major issues are out of the way, let’s smash out some smaller issues.

• Awkward comic relief scenes that should have been left out (I thought she was with you?)
• At points the music subtracts from the scenes
• Batman crafts a spear and no one understands how they are meant to be thrown
• What sort of hired thug brings an RPG to a standard ‘move the truck’ job
• Part of Batman lore is that he doesn’t kill anyone (hence the iconic upside-down joker scene in Dark Knight)
• Out of place dream scene in which Mad Max Batman is then visited by future dude (IT’S YOUR KIDS MARTY) only to wake up at his computer screen wondering if it happened at all (follow the white rabbit Neo)
• HEADLINE: Real reporters don’t talk like this to each other. More on Laurence Fishburne’s character on page 3.
• Lex Luther isn’t the joker, stop trying to draw parallels. Also we don’t need the origin story of his haircut.

 Rest assured at the end of this film you too will stretch and tell your friend/lover/empty Maltesers packet that it was ‘alright’. What it lacks in plot development, title choice and any form of climax, it half makes up for with solid casting, decent editing and good character arcs (at least until halfway). The entire last third of the film leaves a lot to be desired, and just once it would be nice if not every film needed an opening for a sequel.

 I give it 6/10 Malteser packets